It's not some big secret that I've been in an on-going battle with a cluster-fuck of mental health problems for the larger portion of my life. Clinical depression, panic disorder, PTSD, just to name a few. And anyone else in the same or a similar boat as me can confirm that it is, indeed, an on-going battle. There's no instant fix. You can't have a visit to the doc and take a set of pills to be miraculously cured. Your body doesn't fever up to help fight it off and you can't drain your sinuses of it. Unfortunately I still don't think mental health and mental disorders are talked about enough or understood in today's society. Often times there are no physical symptoms and if you can't see it, is it really there?
I was diagnosed with clinical depression around the age of 13 if I recall correctly. It was a hot and cold feeling, knowing that the things I dealt with and felt (or didn't feel) for years were explainable and finally having an understanding of it all, but then to also know that it wasn't just some hormonal teen angst that I'd eventually grow out of. Depression is a difficult thing to explain and an even more difficult thing to live with. You go days, weeks, months at a time of not having the energy to leave your room. Days, weeks, months of feeling emotionally numb. Days, weeks, months of not seeing a purpose in life. Then you have that short period of time where the silver lining shows and you feel a little bit okay. Nothing's so bad, the food you eat is good again, showers are nice and not something that seems like a chore, you might go visit a friend and hey you're even thinking about picking up a job. But then it creeps back up on you and you don't know when or how it happened, all you know is you're back in that same position in bed wrapped in blankets letting life pass you by.
Around the age of 17 I started experiencing panic attacks. I received as-needed-treatment and medication to help deal with the immediate symptoms but it wasn't until the age of 19 that these panic attacks became disabling and was interfering with my value of life. I had to quit going to the art college I was attending because travel became dangerous as I'd pass out on public transit and have to be transported to the hospital. But with the help of medicine I was still able to hold down a job for a period of time and do the best I could. About a year later is when I formed PTSD after walking in on a close family member overdosing on drugs. On three different occasions. On three different occasions being the one to see them turning grey, falling in and out of consciousness, dry heaving... not to go into much more detail. But those events were what lead to my mental health taking a turn for the worst.
At 21 I was fully diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia. For 8 months I was afraid of the world. Daily crippling panic attacks, hours at a time of shaking and hyperventilating, pacing, not knowing if I need to sit or stand, auditory and visual hallucinations, a flipping stomach, heart pounding out of my chest, a buzzing head, numb extremities. For 8 months I couldn't drive, I couldn't leave the house because I lived in fear of my panic attacks. Every day was a living hell. I couldn't have proper relationships, whether it be with a significant other, friends, or family. I couldn't have a job. I couldn't get myself to get up out of bed in the morning because I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd be walking circles in the kitchen again feeling like I'm suffocating. And I was full and ready to end it all.
But here I am at 23, turning 24 in a little over three months. For majority of my life I thought of my problems as demons, things that were constantly haunting me and devouring me from the inside out. These demons were out to get me and I was going to lose. But it took me to really be down to my absolute worst, on my knees ready to give up to see a trick to it all. It really is a constant battle. As long as you don't give up, there is no winning or losing. There's only being strong. There's learning to have control over it, instead of it having control over you. There will always be your better moments, and always be your worse moments, but as long as you're still going and having moments regardless of your state then you are strong and that won't change.
Getting treatment was something that was extremely difficult for me. Hand in hand with what events caused me PTSD I had a crippling fear of medication. But it was that breaking point of having nowhere else to turn or go, it took being at my worst to get help and take any help possible. Treatment is a tricky thing in and of it's self, so it's something I'm still working on to this day and probably will be for the rest of my life. Whether it be medication, therapy, self care, learning to reach out to people, etc. But there is a combination of something out there for everyone including me.
I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying that every day regardless good or bad I am strong and I prove that each day I wake up in the morning and I'm still here. And every day I learn a little more about myself and love myself for the things I've accomplished. Coming to grasp that every set back is not a failure, but instead a learning curve. Realizing that I've been through hills and mountains of storms and being able to acknowledge these things as achievements and growth. Nurturing myself and allowing my brain and body to feel and do the things that they have to do because time passes and tomorrow is another day. Not letting my brain and body control me but instead learning to work in harmony with it. To be able to say that a few years ago I was ready to end my life, and today I have passions and dreams. They may be more difficult for me to reach than others, I may struggle more than people around me can understand, but just as there was a day I couldn't see myself being in the position I'm in now I will one day be achieving my dreams and looking back on even where I am now and able to pride myself for my strength and resilience.
Some days are worse, some are better. Every day is an on-going battle but I vow to keep fucking fighting.
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